


Spicey Cloaca

by Dodo



Series: Quest for butts [3]
Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Birds, F/M, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 11:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5664040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dodo/pseuds/Dodo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archimedes, has started his quest for all the tail. blus beware </p><p>a prequel to the more raunchy quest compared to the spycrab</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Into the Blue

**Author's Note:**

> it happened, this will probably be a short 1-2 chapter thing. I've found a way withing the fanon to avoid bestiality; it could be canon since tf2 seems to have a lot of weird stuff going on.

A lovely morning it was, not a single cloud in the sky, neither hot nor cold. Archimedes hopped towards the open window and preened himself in the sunlight. It was the perfect day to start his mission. He started off strong, flying with grace and ease past the Red side of the field and into the Blu side, and that was where the trouble started.

It took a great deal of time and perseverance to find an open window on the blu base, Archimedes had almost given up when he spotted a broken window. He flutter into the dark room and promptly collided with something before his eyes had a chance to adjust to the darkness of said room. 

He was unceremoniously pulled from the ground by a wing, still stunned he offered no resistance. His beady eyes focused on the blue scout, who was looking at him oddly. He fluttered weakly in the scouts hand a drop from here would be disastrous, and he certainly didn’t want to be harmed in any way. 

the blu scout placed him on a bed and went back to messing with his pants, he was muttering something. He seemed excited, rubbing his hands off on his shirt he picked up an old sock and advanced on Archimedes.

No not that dirty sock! He fluttered away hopping on to the floor and skittering away from the scout. He took flight when the other tried to pounce on him, zooming out of the boy’s room and deeper into the base. Past a drunken Scott, over the short engineer, finally finding the medical bay. His breast was a flutter and he landed with a gust onto the desk of what he hoped the blu Medic.

Beak open he panted for a while wings burning from such exertions, he’d grown lazy at the red base. He just didn’t have any idea how lazy. He closed his eyes, maybe a small rest was needed, he was so tired.

He woke to clicking talons, from his vantage point he saw two large feet. Blinking slowly where was he again? one of the feet lifted up and connected with his body. Did someone just kick him? Archimedes started, how dare they had blinked and shook himself awake. regaining his composure and grooming some of his feathers that were surely out of place and ruffled them so he could give the intruder a proper dress down. 

What stood before him was a beautiful African grey, intelligent eyes were watching him. He was the intruder, this was her home. His feathers fell flat and he managed a soft coo as an introduction.

“Hello, I’m Archimedes from the red base.”

She merely tilted her head and blinked, he wasn’t sure what to do till she pointed with her beak at the ceiling, a roost of sorts was set up. He looked back at her and she launched herself towards it, He took the hint and followed, trying not to compare their wing strokes.

“I am Red, not so creative, how did you get in?”

He voice was smooth and soft, Archimedes was taken aback. honestly when he heard that the other bird was an african grey he had assumed it was a grey dove from africa not this large bird and deadly beak combo. He opened his beak and then closed it, would he have to rethink his strategy? It would be a challenge, He wasn’t sure if it could work.

“the scout’s window is broken, I’m on a mission.”

Her claws tightened at the mission, wings twitched.

“I see, what is it? I will help if you help me.”

She gazed at him with a critical eye, Archimedes attempted not to flinch under her gaze, but did so anyways. Drat this would be harder than he thought!

“To have all the tail that this base has to offer, sex.”  
he managed to coo it out as best he could, her talons seemed to relax a bit. She bobbed her head.

“that's all? I can help you with that easily. I would like to leave this base, maybe live at the Red base? do you think I could?”

Archimedes paused, it sounded too good to be true, weighing his options he bobbed his head, why the hell not she was a pretty parrot and he was going to canoodle with her and get her away from this overtly blue base. If her tail was anything to go by, she didn’t even belong here.

“Yes, how will this work? do you tell me first or?”  
He paused, uncertain.

She flutter to the other side of his body, and placed on huge grey foot over his own, gently.

“in a few hours the medic will leave for dinner then we go to the hole in the window; outside of the base we’ll partake in your mission. then and only then outside will I tell you about the medic’s project.”  
She lifted her foot and tucked it into her feathers, eyes closing.

“what project?”  
Archimedes felt rather dumb, this parrot was a different sort of beast, his red medic would probably love it. One of her eyes opened.

“He’s trying to clone himself, there is a body it's empty; I think it will help you and your mission; but sleep now and I’ll tell you more after you get me out of this place.”  
She closed her eyes and tucked her head in, after a while her chest even out. She was a sleep, Archimedes was too busy thinking on the human body, was it possible to become human? oh what fun that would be!

Strill trying to figure out how that would even work? magic, science? maybe both? Australian science seemed an awful lot like magic to him. His crop warmed as he thought about the magic Australians rocks he’d imbibed earlier. He would make this plan work; yes he would have all the tail. 

Even if he had to be a man bird thing to get it done.  
“I’ll show that crab who is boss,”  
He fluffed his feathers and moved a few paces away from the grey he would sleep here. Looking back at the parrot he was alarmed to see her awake.  
“he’s at the red base? I’m glad I thought he died.”  
Archimedes did a double take, shocked how did she know the pesky crab?

“Later, sleep now.”  
She managed to his agape visage and tucked her head under a wing, looking for a quieter place to rest up for the mission. Frowning at the news Archimedes decided to forget about that stupid crab. This was his mission and therefore it was all about him. He followed the wise Red’s suit and tucked himself into his plush body for some needed beauty sleep.


	2. flights of fancy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archimedes gets the girl and the hot medic body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of a penis, pretty sure that is still teen rating but correct me if I'm wrong

There was a soft whoosh of air being forced out of a space quickly, Archimedes ignored it. Probably the heavy coming for some Medic cuddles or something like that, Curie was preening him. That was fine as long as she didn’t pull any of his feathers out.

She stepped on his foot, he opened his eyes and yawned her feet had gotten huge. He resettled his wings and looked around the med bay, had they repainted it while he’d been beauty napping? it didn’t smell fresh, his gaze settled on Curie to ask what she wanted only to see Red looking at him expectantly. 

Oh that explained it! He was at the blu base, silly that he’d already forgotten. he checked his feathers and looked back at the other.  
“thank you for grooming me?”

Red’s tail feathers shook in a way that conveyed amusement.  
“to rouse you, I called your name a few times.”  
She gestured with her claw, Ah he’d always been a bit of a deep sleeper. he didn’t mind it was proof that the girls no matter what species couldn’t keep their beaks off him. He was a bird magnet!

“I am awake, shall we go?”  
He fluttered down to the floor of the med bay without waiting for Red’s response. She joined him instantly and they moved out of the med bay after a few minutes of figuring out the push doors. 

He glanced around the hallways, recalling a moldering poster and headed towards it. luckily the drunken Scott was in the same place. He flew with easy not to high for the ceiling and low was out of the question. Red followed him, she flapped her wings less but they were bigger. He twisted sharply to the right and she followed alright he’d have to admit after openly gape her flight of the quick turn, she was a great flyer probably better than him.

He turned his head back to the front and slowed his flight down the scout’s door was closed. He landed on the knob and pecked at the door.  
“scout?”  
He cooed, upset that a door had come in the way of his conquest. there was a rustling noise from within the room and the knob started to turn, Archimedes jumped off and flutter up to the ceiling as the door swung violently open. the disheveled scout came out.

“Ah man I’m late for dinner.”  
He cussed a few times and ran down the hallway, Archimedes flew into the room and landed gracefully by the cracked window. He stretched out his wings and had them resettle as Red inspected the hole.

It had been ample for Archimedes’s form and now it looked a bit small next to the African grey. She tested the glass with her beak and made it larger with a few well placed attacks. He was stunned by her beak strength he could tap at the glass all day and not break it.

 

“I need to get out, is there a place on the outside to repay you?”  
She was halfway out of the window already, Archimedes was starting to suspect something was up. This bird had an obsession with the outside, he couldn’t quite understand, he followed her out. the nice day had become a nice evening and there was still plenty of light.

“how about that tree?”

“sight for sore eyes,”  
The grey spoke and made a b-line to the tree, what she said made little to no sense.

“do your eyes hurt?”  
he asked as he touched down watching her carefully he’d hate to catch a disease. She stopped from aggressively rubbing her beak on the branch and sighed loudly.

“I have spent most of my life trapped inside, I was born outside. Thank you very much for helping me. Now let me return the favor?”  
She hunched down and looked expectantly at Archimedes, now in the spotlight he set to work, opening his wings slightly fanning out his tail feathers and issuing deep manly croons as he hopped up on her back side. it was apparent that she was much larger than him, and for some reason that excited him in ways he couldn’t comprehend. 

He teetered on her back as the cloaca touched, he did his best rocking his body. Red hadn’t kicked him off yet, so he must be good. Eventually though he became tired, the prospect of the rest of his duty was looming and as fun as Red was he had a purpose to do.

He hopped off and carefully preened some of her feathers that he ruffled, during the sexy time. She returned his affections and for a moment that sat cleaning each other.

“now, when you go back to the med-bay, in the curtained area there will be this plate thing and a blue button. press the button and sit on the plate. It should transfer you into the body. are you in the respawn?”

 

He bobbed his head.  
“Yes I’m in the red re spawn.”

her beak clicked and she placed her claw over his.  
“that's how you’ll get back if something happens to you as a man, you should re spawn on red as a bird. I wish you luck.”

“thank you!”  
He made sure to click his beak against her’s and flew back to the Blu base. Red watched him go, once he was out of sight she made her way towards the red base. Hopefully to meet up with the spy crab, and find a better home that included the outside. Even if it was unfamiliar and nothing like her rain forest home, it was still better than the inside of the blu base.

 

Everything was just as Red had described it, the curtains, the strangely dormant body. it wasn’t breathing, the apparatus that he was to work and become human. He used his entire body to depress the blue button and the machine whirred to life. He settled down on the plate and closed his eyes hoping it didn’t hurt. He hadn’t thought to ask if it would hurt, such an important thing to forget.

There was a loud crack and all his feathers stood on end and a incredible heat rose up from his crop. The magic Australian rocks! bright lights on the insides of his lids then nothing.

He was floating, and very cold. so cold his feet hurt. He flapped his wings but to no avail. eyes opening, he squinted where was he? the plate yes that he should be human now, his throat still burned from the magic rocks. He struggles with the body for a bit flailing about in the bed, till he finally got the sheet off. he inspected his wings, hands now as envious of his medic for having hands he was having some problems using them. they were like feet in a way. 

human feet were something else in entirety. he managed to get out of the bed by rolling decidedly not the best locomotion to use. Wishing he’d thought this out more, finally after a few recollections of how the red medic moved he managed to stand up. walking was no small feat there was no tail to balance with and bobbing his head did nothing.

All the strangeness was forgotten when he discover the penis, elated of course he’d have one as a human. He practiced moving around the room, small steps, hopping, crawling when he felt like he was going to fall over. it was exciting, he found a mirror. So naturally he was checking himself out when the doors swished open.

there was a clatter followed by an angry noise, oh yes the blu medic. Archimedes might have made a small mess in his discover of the human body. He turned to face the blue medic that was looking at him with an open mouth. He opened his arms, and moved towards the other. he’d seen his medic do this to the heavy. He smashed his lips onto the other medic’s open mouth and sunk his claws, er hands into the other medic’s butt. It was firm, perfect he could get use to this. he wiggled his tongue unsure of how to really kiss, imagining it like feeding baby birds.

the other was pushing against his breast, and he broke of the kiss. they sort of staggered into the side counter, Archimedes attempted another kiss with the teeth. the other medic grabbed at something behind him, his only response was to grip harder on the butt. it was his now. 

He could almost taste the glory of his conquest! He hooted excitedly at the other medic, not really paying attention to the other, something heavy connected with his head and his body crumpled. 

The Blu medic gasped and placed the Hippocratic oath back on the counter and rubbed his bruised cheek. His clone lay on the floor, fully aroused. His hands shook, unable to understand how it had come to life, he’d failed so many times. he palmed his face well now that it was alive, he might as well run some tests on it.


End file.
